The last couple of months have been full of me seeking God and His direction. I have sought His direction before a few times before in this certain area in my life; In the past He has been very clear and has responded in my opinion fast (within two weeks). He seems to answer me with "themes" and these themes are contained throughout many different interactions I may have (sermons, conversations, Bible verses, blog posts, etc). After, I listen and follow my Lord's leading I have a tremendous peace about my decision. This time around I have been asking and seeking. Yet, I was not getting the answer that I was seeking. I wanted the quick answer that came within two weeks.
The answer didn't come in the two weeks, four weeks, or even eight weeks. I honestly, started to become restless and felt like I was forgotten (how wrong I was!). This past weekend, has been a weekend of releasing my desire to control and expecting an answer in my time. God doesn't work or have to work on my time clock. He does things in His own glorious timing and for my good. As I shared above that God often speaks to me in "themes" He has recently given me one. The theme that I have seen is that of waiting in hope. "Waiting in hope" was found through many different sermons, personal devotions, and devotionals sent to me. Overwhelmingly. my study time has been on waiting, patience, trusting, and hoping in the Lord (without my force). He may not have answered my specific prayer, I do know that He will. However, He has given me a response. This is what I sense He is saying through His word and His people: "Wait my beloved, be patient, trust me, and hope in me. I will answer in my timing and whatever my answer will be for your good and my glory." I am going to trust Him and rest in Him. If I worry and try to figure out the crossroad ahead, I will be missing the here and now. I also, won't be truly trusting God and bringing Him glory.
I want to experience what God is going to do in my life with great joy and not in worry. In the past, I have fought against the sensitive "heart" God has given me. I have tried to avoid feeling or to show the vulnerableness that is there. I didn't want others to see me with a tear rolling down my face. I thought it meant that I was weak and unapproachable. Many are uncomfortable around tears and raw emotion. Therefore, I didn't want others to be uncomfortable being around me. I am now truly seeing the beauty in the emotion that God has given me. I am blessed, because I can feel and through it I can glorify my God. In the past, if you saw me with tears rolling down my face and I "hid". It isn't because of something you did... it was because of the misguided view I held onto.
Tears, are cleansing and show the depth of your emotion. Each emotion can release tears. Crying is not just caused by sadness (even though that is the most associated emotion) it can be tears of joy, anger, fear, etc. I want to be able to worship my God without holding back the tears of joy, love, and thankfulness for fear of what others may be thinking. My heart is in His hands and He is pulling back the layers to force me to deal with what I have ran from. I am embracing the heart that He has fashioned for me... a heart that longs after Him, a heart that feels, a heart that wants to glorify her King. I have entrusted my heart to the one who created it. He is working in my heart and preparing me for the crossroads ahead. In whatever, lies ahead one thing that I do know is that He is calling me to rest, wait, trust, and place my hope in Him.
May my eyes be fixed on Him and my heart rest in His care. He is my shield and my portion. I would like to end with this verse:
"Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield."
-Psalm 33:20
-Stormy
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