A peek into my heart and longing

There has been a lot on my mind the last few months. The longing to be a wife and a mother has caused some major heartache lately. It isn't that I am not content with where God has placed me. It is just that in the last 3 years I have lost some really important people in my life. It has caused me to realize how very short life truly is. I have had to say goodbye to my loved ones and the numerous dreams I held. For example, Allison a woman who had a huge hand in shaping me into the woman I am today. When she passed I not only lost my amazing "god-mom", but also the dreams of her at my wedding and meeting my children. The ache is sometimes unbearable. Even in the deepest longing and heartache I have been met by my LORD. I have realized how truly faithful He truly is. I have to lay down my desires and submit to His will. I have found beauty in the Lord and I know that He will use this ache for His glory. The beauty will arise from the ashes of these last few years. I may be shaken now... but in the end I will be stronger and all the glory will go to my God. As the longing to be a wife and a mother has increased, I have found myself deeper in my Lord's word. I am finding fulfillment and the soothing of my heart.

Please, keep reading I know that this post is every where. However, within this post is just a glimpse into what has been on my mind. So often, I am met with when are you going to get married? Have you tried online dating (I am sure you will find a husband there)? Are you even trying or putting yourself out there? I am sure that everyone who asks these questions mean the best. However, there are many times that they pierce my heart. It reminds me of the longing and desire in my heart to be a wife and mother. As long as I can remember when asked I would have told you that I would be a wife and a mom. However, those days have yet to come to pass. I know that it is all in God's sovereign hands and timing. I would be lying if I said I never got upset or angry because I feel neglected by Him at times. I am sharing this because I don't want to hide behind the mask of fine any longer. I know that He is faithful and when I get angry or hurt I dig deeper into my relationship with my King. For in that relationship I am whole and at peace.

Now back to those questions... I have recently given the online dating thing a chance. It really isn't for me at this moment. Why?, you may be asking yourself. I don't believe that you should date just to date. I have experienced for the most part guys just wanting to date with out true commitment. I have found (for the most part) guys who are trying to take advantage of naive women. Guys who don't respect the boundaries that I have set. Guys who say one thing and do another. I have been left in a whirlwind of discouragement, thinking what is wrong with me? Through my experience I have seen very few real gentlemen out there. Men of courage, respect, honor, and dignity where are you?

Through this time I have spent in looking into God's word as to what I am called to be like. I can't change the men around me. I can however change me and my outlook. I want to be a wife and a mother one day. What does that look like? I find in Proverbs 31 10-31 a beautiful example of what wife and motherhood look like. The cry of my heart is to bring honor and good to the man over me all the days of my life. While I am not married I want to bring honor and good to the name of my daddy here on earth and my LORD. My life is not my own, it is marked by that of Jesus. Even if I never marry I should abide by that of Proverbs 31. Within in that chapter is found profound wisdom.

"She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy." -Proverbs 31:20

"Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness." -Proverbs 31:25

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." -Proverbs 31:30

I find those 3 verses to be full of wisdom for all women, just not those who are married. So what is the point of this post? To just open up a bit about that which is on my heart. I am a woman who wants to be a woman of virtue and a woman of faith. So in this journey, I shall continue to dig deeper into His word and build my relationship with Him. One thing I have learned is that all things fade, but the LORD and His word! I pray that you have been blessed by this post.

-Stormy