The words flowing from my heart tonight...

It has been a good moment since I sat down and let the words flow from my fingertips. I haven't felt like what I have to say is important and not good enough to pen. I have been in a shadow of so many different obstacles that I have been facing these last few years. I'm not even sure where to even begin or what to say. My words lack, so very often and fear has held me tightly. I've been in a prison of sort... a prison of doubt, fear, failures, and many other things.

"What have I done that has caused God to shine away from me or not to listen to my prayers?" This was one example of many thoughts that have flooded my mind these last few years throughout many different trials. My brother is still missing after 5 years of deep crying to God to direct our path to find him. My "dad in the faith" is in the battle for his life as he fights Leukemia. God healed him and then allowed the cancer to come back again. My own health issues and trying to figure out what causes me so much pain. Having those who you think love you walk away from you and say horrible things about you. Having your whole world be flipped in just a few words. Falling into a deep depression and afraid to be honest because heaven forbid someone who follows Christ struggle with depression or anxiety. I have cried many tears these last few years since my last post. Cries, not heard or at least that is what I started to think and believe.

"Where was the God, whom I love and who had met me on the kitchen floor all those years ago?" Was another question that I found myself asking. I was lovingly reminded of Job and that that he faced. God for His own reason allowed the enemy to strike Job in every area of his life, besides taking his life. The enemy was sure that Job would curse God and turn his back on Him. The enemy came up with a plan to push Job into the corner, to cause him to curse the God whom he loved. Job's friends even though they thought they meant well came to him and insinuated that it was because of something Job or his children had done wrong. Therefore, God was punishing him. I can imagine how that felt, while still the the depth of deep grief. Job, however poured out every ounce of his brokenness before God. He was vulnerable and you know God was big and strong enough to handle the depth of Job's heartache.

I had shut myself off and stuffed all of my emotions to the pits of my core. God is big enough to handle my depression, anxiety, hurt, confusion, doubt, etc whenever it surfaces. He doesn't stop loving me or belittle me for what I'm feeling. Instead He is the GOOD GOOD FATHER who listens and meets me there in my vulnerability. He holds me closer and allows me to feel it. Where He tends to the broken pieces of my heart. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can keep me from His love. Even my doubt is met with understanding and in the stillness of the storm He speaks to me. He reminds me of His love time and time again. He does not get angry or tired of having to remind me. His love is unconditional and totally life changing if I allow it to be. I need to get out of the way and stop trying to place human stipulations on His love. He isn't man and He doesn't love the way that we humans do. His love is pure and selfless, the greatest example is that He sent His ONLY son to take our place in receiving our just punishment for our sin. He sent Jesus to carry it ALL and take it to the cross. He loved mankind enough to give His Son to save us (Jesus rose from the grave in glorious light and defeated sin/death).

God is my first love and needs to be my first priority. I've allowed this world to push Him to the background. I then felt like I was facing this world and trials by myself. Even though my God was still there. I had pushed Him out of my line of vision. This world is tricky and slowly it pushes out the truth of God if allowed. Sadly, I started to allow it to have hold on my sight. My sight needs to be fixed on God and as He sees fit everything else will come into place. I need to walk in boldness and not in the spirit of fear. Enough of allowing the enemy to have a field day with my heart and emotions.

I believe God is GOOD, I believe God is SOVEREIGN, I believe God is LOVE, I believe God is SAFETY in the shelter of His mighty hands, I believe God is FAITHFUL. When He sees fit He will answer my prayers in either a yes or a no. I need to rest in the truth of who He is even when it doesn't make sense. I know and believe that He is greater than ANY thing that I face. One day when I'm home with Him it will ALL be made clear. Until then I need to cling to Him and walk this journey of life with Him. He will be with me every step of the way, even when I don't feel it. My God will NEVER forsake me.

"Abba Father, be gracious to me and help my feet to not fall from beneath me. When my fear surrounds me be gracious and speak your truth to silence the fear. I know that I will stumble and fall many times along this journey with you. I do know that if I have you that I will be able to withstand whatever I face. Please, be gracious with me as I learn and lovingly point me back to your truth. You will go before me and after me. I am safe in your care and I know that whatever I face is for my growth and good. Thank you, for loving me in my brokenness and not judging me for the depth of my doubts/hurts. You are gracious to me your child. You tenderly lift my head from being bowed in despair and remind me of the sunlight above my head, when all I can see is the storm clouds. I love you and I trust you as you lead me. If you tell me to stay in the waiting I will do so, but please be gracious when it takes me longer than it should to see it. Thank you, for reminding me of the depth of your love for me and reminding me of how far you've brought me. Let's do this life together LORD. Guide my steps and give me the steps of boldness when I need it. My nature is to hide in fear and despair, but I know that you are bigger than that. I know that you are changing that and bringing life to me with every step that we take together. Be gracious to me as I learn. -Amen"